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+--- Thread: How to make "going away" threads (/showthread.php?tid=6294)
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How to make "going away" threads - CHEF - 02-04-2017
Salutations prepubescent males! Cheffery here, and I'm back for another slamming thread.
Recently, there have been an influx of "going away threads" where people pointlessly tell others who don't care they are going to have a period of inactivity on the servers. These create clutter, and are just not engaging enough. No-one gives a Byte if you want to stop sweating on your $300 gaming chair and actually feel rays of sunlight on your skin, especially if you're going to say it in a boring way. Which is why I have decided to create this here tutorial - to teach you the basic steps, on how to make a pleasant announcement on your departure. And now, to the procedure.
Step 1: Title
Wow, you're going to climb the stairs of your basement and explore the rest of your house, congratulations! Too bad we don't give a shit, and no-ones going to willingly read the leaving thread of some squeaker fuckwit that mic spams on Jailbreak (80% of the playerbase).
Which is why you have to make a good title.
Now let's think, what is the nest for the most gullible people on the internet? YouTube. And what makes all the gullible individuals flock there? The clickbait titles and thumbnails of course! So we have to try and replicate this for our thread. Now, we can't use the same "I MET A REAL OOMPA LOOMPA WHO WAS RACIST!1!!" shtick. No. We have to learn to adapt to our environment.
Where are we? A gaming community, where the average age of the playerbase is 14. What do they want more than anything? To feel loved and approved by the community, because their parents are clearly doing a shit job if they spend all their time on here. They need something that'll make the higher ups love them. Think for a second...
Eureka! They need VIP, as it will make them feel like a big boy. So a great title would be:
FREE PERMANENT VIP!!!
or
VIP GIVEAWAY!!!
A skin giveaway variant would also work, and would probably pull more people in too.
A couple of minor things to include when creating a title:
- All caps
- At least three exclamation marks
- Short so the whole title can be read on the sidebar.
Step 2: Content
Much like our lord and saviour Shrek, there are many different and complex layers to a bon voyage thread. This is the main reason people click on your thread. No-one really cares about you going away, they're probably glad to be rid of you to be frank. They want to know the reason that they are finally free of your rule-breaking, jail-camping, mic-spamming and whatever else triggers someone to make an abuse report on you.
Step 2.1: Apology
However, there is something important we must address first. We must apologise for our blatant lying in the title. This community is centred around dignity and integrity not really, so we must admit the wrong we have done. After all, the word "Invex" literally means "bamboozle-free" (again, not really I just wanted to say that). This only needs to be one or two sentences, and maybe include a cute picture like a dog with a watermelon or a dog in a blanket to cheer people up after your dishonesty and possibly reel them in to the rest of your thread.
Step 2.2: Reason
Whether you need to tend to your goldfish, or simply want to see what the sun looks like in real life and not just in videogames, you are ultimately taking a break for one or more reasons. As I said before, no-one really cares that you're leaving, but would like to know the reason they are free of the nightmare that is you, so give a brief explanation.
Step 2.3: Funny Videos or other Media forms
Probably the most important part of this entire guide. People are going to read your thread and become aggravated. You outright lie to their face about free VIP, and now the only reason that you're leaving is wanting to have a real tan and not a monitor tan? Wow, you just wasted everyone's time that clicked on your thread, now they hate you and are glad you're going. But you don't want that, do you? This community is the only good thing in your life, and it's all you're going to be thinking about while you're away from it. And to win everyone's hearts back over, you MUST include a video, GIF, image, text or any media form that will make them happy, because without that, people will hate you more than they already do.
Hey, I know what you're thinking. Why should I listen to you, guy I've never even seen on the server before? Why do you even have an ex-admin tag? Well, little boy (girl in Forgotten's case), I'll have you know I've conducted extensive research on the art of going away threads and have laid foundations for it, and even other topics on the World Wide Web such as "Alternatives to Parachutes when Skydiving", but we won't venture into my other work. When researching the formula, I concluded there was no specific one, but the key to every successful going away thread is a funny/dumb thing posted on the media.
Some points to consider when choosing something funny, such as:
- If it's a video, make sure it's short. 2 minutes maximum.
- Make it broad/generic, not to a specific niche or group of people.
- Make sure it's actually funny/warrants a laugh.
Step 3: Replying
You thought you were done? Not yet little one, but almost. After finishing reading your fucking dumb thread, people are going to abuse you in the replies. We must craft an intelligent response to extinguish the rage of the person on the other end of the screen. Make sure to use sophisticated language, proper grammar and to formally address the individual. This is also where our cute animal pictures come into play again, and if it is a very angry reply, maybe even a video or two. Also make sure to keep your reply the same length as their's - "Treat others how they treat you" (or some bs like that idk).
And it is with great sadness that I conclude the guide, and bid you farewell. Good luck on creating your own going away threads in the future, and make sure to look out for my very own exclusive and official "CHEF's Going Away Rating" where I rate other people's threads based on my guide and possibly rate other kinds of threads too.
RE: How to make "going away" threads - asriel - 02-04-2017
ayyy lmao, the dog in the blanket is hectic.
RE: How to make "going away" threads - aru - 02-04-2017
Thanks, will use this in future so I can feel liked when people say bye to me
RE: How to make "going away" threads - Squidward - 02-04-2017
loool, you're a god
RE: How to make "going away" threads - CHEF - 02-04-2017
(02-04-2017/11:42 PM)asriel Wrote: ayyy lmao, the dog in the blanket is hectic.
Thank you, kind sir!
RE: How to make "going away" threads - asriel - 02-04-2017
<3
RE: How to make "going away" threads - n8 - 02-04-2017
+1
RE: How to make "going away" threads - Squidward - 02-04-2017
ok
can we give him the tutorial award now?
RE: How to make "going away" threads - lew - 03-04-2017
the real man
RE: How to make "going away" threads - PoosKi - 03-04-2017
give this man tutorial creator