Some of my favourite Chuck Norris jokes and facts:
Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.
Chuck Norris can skip the copyright notices on his DVDs.
Chuck Norris doesn't drive cars, he flies trains.
When life gives Chuck Norris lemons, Chuck Norris makes apple sauce.
Dana White has never offered Chuck Norris a UFC contract out of concern for the well being of his fighters.
Chuck Norris' hands are protected under the 2nd Amendment.
When Chuck Norris snaps his fingers, Fonzie shows up.
Trains stop at Chuck Norris crossings.
Chuck Norris can knit the softest sweater using electrical pylons.
Chuck Norris's GPS never tells him to turn around.
When Chuck Norris throws a boomerang, it doesn't come back.
Gum won't stick to Chuck Norris's shoe.
Chuck Norris can send a text message using a rotary phone.
Chuck Norris makes Spock cry.
Chuck Norris audits the IRS.
Rocks trip on Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris lost his first tooth, the tooth fairy put it under her pillow.
Chuck Norris' dog is a Velociraptor.
Chuck Norris threw a grenade and killed 50 people, then it exploded.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday the thirteenth. The next day he won the lottery.
Chuck Norris can speak French... In Russian.
Chuck Norris can put out a fire with a gallon of gasoline.
Chuck Norris once climbed Mt. Everest in 15 minutes, 14 of which he was building a snowman at the bottom.
A bulletproof vest wears Chuck Norris for protection.
Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.
Chuck Norris doesn't dial the wrong number, you pick up the wrong phone.
Fear of spiders is called arachnophobia, fear of tight spaces is called claustrophobia, and fear of Chuck Norris is just plain logic.
Chuck Norris can cut a knife with butter.
Every Chuck Norris joke is a five star joke just because it says Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.
Chuck can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
Chuck Norris can hear sign language.
Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.
When Bruce Banner gets mad he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad he turns into Chuck Norris. When Chuck Norris gets mad, run.
When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.
Chuck Norris was once charged with three attempted murders in Boulder County, but the Judge quickly dropped the charges because Chuck Norris does not "attempt" murder.
Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's beef.
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.
When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: "What is courage?" He received an A+ for turning in a blank page with only his name at the top.
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd. No one fools Chuck Norris.
When a zombie apocalypse starts, Chuck Norris doesn't try to survive. The zombies do.
When Chuck Norris was born he drove his mom home from the hospital.
Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack... even a heart isnt foolish enough to attack Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesnt wear a watch. He decides what time it is.
If he wanted to, Chuck Norris could rob a bank. By phone.
Big foot claims he saw Chuck Norris.
The real reason Hitler killed himself is because he found out that Chuck Norris is Jewish.
Chuck Norris once went to mars. Thats why there are no signs of life.
Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.
Chuck Norris can hit you so hard your blood will bleed.
The reason the Holy Grail has never been recovered is because nobody is brave enough to ask Chuck Norris to give up his favourite coffee mug.
Chuck Norris CAN find the end of a circle.
Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."
Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.
Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel. Chuck Norris can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box.
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this.
Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and wins.
Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Chuck Norris?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."
Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Chuck Norris doesn't have good aim. His bullets just know better than to miss.
Chuck Norris can pick oranges from an apple tree and make the best lemonade youve ever tasted.
Chuck Norris has a diary. It's called the Guinness Book of World Records.
Chuck Norris beat Halo 1, 2, and 3 on Legendary with a broken Guitar Hero controller.
The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.
Chuck Norris's daughter lost her virginity, he got it back.
Chuck Norris tells Simon what to do.
Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.
Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.
Chuck Norris's Blood Type is AK-47.
The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.
Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.
Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse.
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
Chuck refers to himself in the fourth person.
Chuck actually died four years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.
Chuck Norris does not submit to homeland security, he IS homeland security.
Chuck Norris once bowled a perfect game with a marble.
Chuck Norris's computer has no "backspace" button, Chuck Norris doesn't make mistakes.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick.
Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
On a high school math test, Chuck Norris put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Chuck Norris solves all his problems with Violence.
Chuck Norris can speak braille.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.
Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.
Chuck Norris can skip the copyright notices on his DVDs.
Chuck Norris doesn't drive cars, he flies trains.
When life gives Chuck Norris lemons, Chuck Norris makes apple sauce.
Dana White has never offered Chuck Norris a UFC contract out of concern for the well being of his fighters.
Chuck Norris' hands are protected under the 2nd Amendment.
When Chuck Norris snaps his fingers, Fonzie shows up.
Trains stop at Chuck Norris crossings.
Chuck Norris can knit the softest sweater using electrical pylons.
Chuck Norris's GPS never tells him to turn around.
When Chuck Norris throws a boomerang, it doesn't come back.
Gum won't stick to Chuck Norris's shoe.
Chuck Norris can send a text message using a rotary phone.
Chuck Norris makes Spock cry.
Chuck Norris audits the IRS.
Rocks trip on Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris lost his first tooth, the tooth fairy put it under her pillow.
Chuck Norris' dog is a Velociraptor.
Chuck Norris threw a grenade and killed 50 people, then it exploded.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday the thirteenth. The next day he won the lottery.
Chuck Norris can speak French... In Russian.
Chuck Norris can put out a fire with a gallon of gasoline.
Chuck Norris once climbed Mt. Everest in 15 minutes, 14 of which he was building a snowman at the bottom.
A bulletproof vest wears Chuck Norris for protection.
Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.
Chuck Norris doesn't dial the wrong number, you pick up the wrong phone.
Fear of spiders is called arachnophobia, fear of tight spaces is called claustrophobia, and fear of Chuck Norris is just plain logic.
Chuck Norris can cut a knife with butter.
Every Chuck Norris joke is a five star joke just because it says Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.
Chuck can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
Chuck Norris can hear sign language.
Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.
When Bruce Banner gets mad he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad he turns into Chuck Norris. When Chuck Norris gets mad, run.
When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.
Chuck Norris was once charged with three attempted murders in Boulder County, but the Judge quickly dropped the charges because Chuck Norris does not "attempt" murder.
Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's beef.
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.
When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: "What is courage?" He received an A+ for turning in a blank page with only his name at the top.
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd. No one fools Chuck Norris.
When a zombie apocalypse starts, Chuck Norris doesn't try to survive. The zombies do.
When Chuck Norris was born he drove his mom home from the hospital.
Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack... even a heart isnt foolish enough to attack Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesnt wear a watch. He decides what time it is.
If he wanted to, Chuck Norris could rob a bank. By phone.
Big foot claims he saw Chuck Norris.
The real reason Hitler killed himself is because he found out that Chuck Norris is Jewish.
Chuck Norris once went to mars. Thats why there are no signs of life.
Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.
Chuck Norris can hit you so hard your blood will bleed.
The reason the Holy Grail has never been recovered is because nobody is brave enough to ask Chuck Norris to give up his favourite coffee mug.
Chuck Norris CAN find the end of a circle.
Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."
Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.
Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel. Chuck Norris can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box.
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this.
Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and wins.
Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Chuck Norris?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."
Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Chuck Norris doesn't have good aim. His bullets just know better than to miss.
Chuck Norris can pick oranges from an apple tree and make the best lemonade youve ever tasted.
Chuck Norris has a diary. It's called the Guinness Book of World Records.
Chuck Norris beat Halo 1, 2, and 3 on Legendary with a broken Guitar Hero controller.
The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.
Chuck Norris's daughter lost her virginity, he got it back.
Chuck Norris tells Simon what to do.
Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.
Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.
Chuck Norris's Blood Type is AK-47.
The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.
Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.
Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse.
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
Chuck refers to himself in the fourth person.
Chuck actually died four years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.
Chuck Norris does not submit to homeland security, he IS homeland security.
Chuck Norris once bowled a perfect game with a marble.
Chuck Norris's computer has no "backspace" button, Chuck Norris doesn't make mistakes.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick.
Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
On a high school math test, Chuck Norris put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Chuck Norris solves all his problems with Violence.
Chuck Norris can speak braille.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.
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